Saturday, May 05, 2007

the post i almost didn't post, and may still decide to un-post . . .

This week has thrown my people-pleasing, affirmation-driven self for a loop. I pray that the worst of it is over, and can’t quite see how it could be any more difficult. But it has no doubt been a good growing experience.
I have been forced to realize that sometimes one just has to grow up and take the crud as it comes. In the middle of a barrage of unexpected, unwelcome stresses, sometimes you just have to step forward, one baby step at a time, and pray for the strength to get through it.
I think on some level I have been holding on to a notion that I can make my life work out at least somewhat the way I want it to. Perhaps that comes from being forced out of childhood too early, and so being a bit of a control freak ever since: an intense upheaval at a crucial age in childhood has maybe created a need to feel that things can’t get too out of hand, or too crazy, ever again.
But you can’t really count on that, huh? And I am realizing new levels of an inner ability to keep moving when all my senses tell me that I have no tangible support to grab onto any longer.
So here I am. Moving forward. I don’t necessarily know why, or towards what, but I push on. Realizing that sometimes you just have to be a big girl and remind yourself who you are, even if no one cares. Pressing ahead in doing what I know to be right, loving those I know my job it is to love, and patiently waiting out this dark time. Waiting for a light at the end of the tunnel. Believing beyond hope that God still works miracles. That He, if no one else seems to, really cares about me. That He really is making something worthwhile out of my life.


Rebecca said...

Anna, don't un-post! This is very genuine, and unfortunately I relate to it big time. I'm sorry you're having a rough time of it right now but, if it helps, I have walked in that valley too, and everything we both believe tells us that you can come into the light as a stronger person. God leads us to some strange places, without a roadmap. And there are a lot of people out there who care about you - unfortunately, most of us are not in Africa, though! I'm sending you prayers and love across the ocean. Hang in there!

Jodi said...

Sorry to hear that you've had a difficult time.

Goodness you sound a bit like me. I think I only recently gave up on the thought that my life would work out as I had planned and accepted the other life that was life but not what I had planned. LOLOL. And I'm a fair bit older than you. It would be nice if we could somehow control it all though!

Take care and hang in there. Hope you have better days now.